Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
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Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.