Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
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Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-