Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
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[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.