here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
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but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Them: âWould you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?â
Me: âNo thank you.â
Them: âWhat if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?â
Me: âIâm in.â
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Dennyâs for setting off firecrackers.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday đ
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy nowâŚletâs not get crazy.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? đ
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to âthong songâ
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
Itâs that simple.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
âDonât make eye contact, honey. We donât want any trouble with them.â
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies