Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
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My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Liquor Store Parking
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]