Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
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Finally, a door that understands me
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.