Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
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DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.