Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
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My neck my back my allergy attack
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird