Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
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bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Heroic Misunderstanding
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again