Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:

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DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV

ROMAN: What?!

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?

ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?


People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.


It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.


Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.


My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”


Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.


Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.


My kids tell me I drink too much.

It’s funny they don’t make the connection.


Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.


If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..