@Adam_Kingsnorth

Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.

You Might Also Like

@daemonic3

DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV

ROMAN: What?!

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?

ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?

@kelkulus

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

@JimmerThatisAll

It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.

@panmidwest

Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.

@causticbob

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

@ColoradoUgly

Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.

@Kyle_Lippert

Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.

@moxieblogger

My kids tell me I drink too much.

It’s funny they don’t make the connection.

@PFitzpa

Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.

@gitson_shiggles

If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..