Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
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INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
He’s cranky this morning
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
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