HERE’S MARKY
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11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit