Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
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Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*