heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
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the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
#oldknees
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
I just ran a .003048K
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.