Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
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Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?