here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
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Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
2 years later
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.