“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
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chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent