“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”

– me, as a proctologist

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Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?


The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.


My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.


Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.


Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.

She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.


Batman: Why so down?

Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.

*[Jesus enters]

Aquaman: Dammit!


Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.


Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]


Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading