Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
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broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Don’t snitch tag.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
What do you hear?