Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
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It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
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Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
This is true.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.