“Here’s where you’ll be working… You can look at your phone as much as you like, pet bunny rabbits, and there’s a free McFlurry machine over there. Oh, and you’ll be working alongside Diane, who’s an insane, poisonous harpy who will try to destroy your mind for no real reason.”
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
