“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
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Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Autocarrot sucks!
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)