Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
You Might Also Like
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
me and who
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*