Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
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I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
the official breakfast of 2021
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Oh, I bet you would be
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another