Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
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Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
“OMGJK” -atheists
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO