He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
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You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….