He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
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What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
NASA has no chill
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce