He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
You Might Also Like
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience