“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
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I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced