He’s cranky this morning
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Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom