He’s dead
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Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
I have questions??
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.