he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
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Husband of the year 😂
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
scares
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”