He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s
Succinctly put.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
