“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
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Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?