he’s sick of your bullshit today
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Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door