He’s so proud of his work! 馃ぃ
You Might Also Like
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It鈥檚 our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
thanks auntie mary
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Me: 馃幎 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”馃幎
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 馃幎 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”馃幎
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I鈥檇 managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I鈥檇 fired a warning 鈥榮hit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
I know yoga isn鈥檛 supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 馃ぃ”
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest