He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
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My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
No, he would not have.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.