He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
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Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
this could fix me
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’