“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
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If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
who did the taste test?
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.