Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
You Might Also Like
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I like long walks away from everyone
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
New favorite tiktok
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
The best plant holders?
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.