“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
You Might Also Like
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
October already? What’s next? November????
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.