“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
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*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Just me and my debit card against the world
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.