Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.

I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.

Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.

Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello

Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones

“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night

59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?

*gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?

[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]

ME: …I dont remember

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead

Date: so you were married twice before?

Me: yes

Date: any kids

Me: no they were both adults

Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.

‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.

ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.

me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”

SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best!

[Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea

Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.

*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore

*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*

[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.

Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US

They used it to decorate their salad bar

date: I like it when guys know what they want in life

me: *megaphone right in her face* ham

Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.

[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath

Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.

Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?

N: So?

M: So, I can’t help you.

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.

[street fight]

Come at me bro!!

*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles

*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away

You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?