“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
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[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
this could fix me
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Note to self: always read the final line
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.