– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
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I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.