Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
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Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?