@samalmightysam

– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?

– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.

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@Gupton68

Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS

Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative

@AGStr8upNinja

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?

Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.

@marknorm

After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.

@Spaziotwat

If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.

@babblinbrooke4

I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.

@aneesa_p

Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.

@ThoughtsOfADad_

Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.

@ericsshadow

[wife walking in the door after work]

WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?

ME: a hello would be nice.

@twayne1010

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?