Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
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If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Husband of the year 😂
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.