Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
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People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.