“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
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I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?