Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
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I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
a fate I wish upon no one
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”