@UNDEADTRESOR God has left this place
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@UNDEADTRESOR 
@bearcub577 A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
@TweetPotato314 Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
@simoncholland You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
@BobTheSuit Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
@Darlainky Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
@dance_blessed “She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
@radtoria amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
@UnFitz Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
@awkwardphilippe Is your wife single?