Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
You Might Also Like
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
I’m Sold!
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
she has a point
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.