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Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

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@bearcub577

A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.

@TweetPotato314

Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.

Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?

Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.

@simoncholland

You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.

@BobTheSuit

Me: So, what do you do for a living?

Her: I flip houses.

Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.

Her: You’re an idiot.

@Darlainky

Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?

@radtoria

amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”

@UnFitz

Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*