Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
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“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.