“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost

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I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.


ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.

QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?


Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes


Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”


Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.


Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.


My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.


Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.


Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.


From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.