“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
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Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.