hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you
You Might Also Like
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
no such thing as a dumb question
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.
I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.
I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Coffee for people with no kids
